Christmas Letter to Rocky

It’s been hard for me to know what to write these days.  On one hand, I feel like I need to share, over and over, how grateful I am (as shown by some of my recent posts).  On the other hand, I don’t want it to be overkill or in any way upsetting to those who are still waiting.  I am not sure if “Daily life with baby” type of posts fit into what my readers are looking for when they come to this space.  I just don’t know.  What I do know is how I feel about my son.  I am going to write him letters, print them out, and give them to him some day when the time is right.  Here is the first one.

Dear Rocky,

I have waited for a very long time to experience Christmas through your eyes.  I have always been a bit of a Christmas nerd (if I am being honest, your dad used to say that it looked like Christmas threw up in our house.  I’ve toned it down.  I’m trying to keep it classy, these days).  Our family has always made a big deal over Christmas. Growing up, Gigi would decorate our house for Christmas every year and sing songs with us.  I have pictures of your Uncle Adam and I in our little bathrobes and jammies by the Christmas tree in our old city house on Pearl Street.  The rust colored carpet and walls with mustard trim was old school seventies at it’s finest.  But the wonder in our eyes is unmistakable.  Your Pop-pop would come over Christmas morning and bring the presents that Santa left at his apartment for us, so he could see us experience Christmas morning.  I remember laying under the Christmas tree at night and staring straight up.  It seemed to take forever for Christmas to finally arrive in those days.  We insisted that Gigi pile on as much tacky silver tinsel as possible on that tree and the blinking multi-colored foil star at the top was really something to behold.

My Pop-pop would cut fresh Christmas trees and in the weeks before Christmas, he would deliver them to each grandchild’s house.  He was something special and he would have really gotten a kick out of you.  Nanny would make as many cookies as you can imagine and they would be waiting for us to eat in tin cans.  She would tell us that she was going to wait up to kiss Santa Clause when he came down the chimney.  That would make me mad and I would tell Pop what she said.  He didn’t seem to mind.  Santa would always come to their house, too.  I think it was because they came from so little, it was important for them to do Christmas really big for us.

This is why I’ve always loved Christmas.   Every year, since I got my own apartment, I would decorate and do it up the best I could.  Every year, I would decorate the tree (My Pop-Pop even brought my own first tree to that apartment!) and put a little Christmas in every corner.  Your dad would make a special meal for us as I decorated and your sister would come over to help with the final touches on the tree (just like she did this year).  We would eat dinner together, by the light of the tree while we listened to old christmas songs sung by the Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Nat King Cole and Lou Monte (it’s really not Christmas without Dominic the Donkey, is it?)  Your sister’s favorite part is always when we enjoy your dad’s homemade white chocolate cocoa complete with a candy cane for dipping.  She even called him this year to tell him to make sure to not take any shortcuts.

After dinner winded down and it was close to bed-time, I would turn out all the lights and enjoy the sparkle and glow of the tree and beauty of all of our hard work.  Then, even though I would try really hard to fight it, the sadness would creep in and I would cry.  It would start with a slight quiver in my chin and tears in my eyes.  It would turn into the type of cry that only people with broken hearts know.  While I did my best to put on a brave face and enjoy what I had in my family and friends, there was something missing.  There was no baby who I could show the sparkle of the tree to.  No amount of wishing, hoping, praying or Christmas tradition could bring the baby I was missing into my arms.  That was until this year.

You are my Christmas miracle, my sweet, sweet boy.  You have helped to mend my broken heart.  Your perfectly kissable baby cheeks and the way your eyes twinkle when you smile have been medicine for my soul. There is nothing that can make my heart swell like the sound of your laughter.   I am feeling the joy of this Christmas deep down inside of me this year and I have you to thank for that.  When I hold you up to our tree, you smile your perfect smile, tug on the branches, and say something that sounds like an excited whisper.  Words can’t express how your whisper feels when it quietly fills my ears.  It’s a sound that I’ve waited a very long time to hear.

You are why I had to wait.  You, baby boy, were worth it.

Love,

Mom

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8 Responses to Christmas Letter to Rocky

  1. Karaleen says:

    What a beautiful letter. And a beautiful boy too. I must say….once we got our babies…Christmas took on a whole new meaning. Merry Christmas to you.
    Karaleen

  2. Stacie B says:

    What a beautifkeeping and keepsake. I’m sure he will appreciate and treasure this and others you write when he is older. Especially love how you explained traditions you had and still have. He will always know why they are so special.

  3. Stacie B says:

    Sorry… *beautiful gift and keepsake*

  4. MOM says:

    AWWWWW…you made me cry. I think back to last year at Christmas 5 weeks to go until ROCKY would join the family…how excited and anxious everyone was…watching you & michael getting the nursery painted and furnished…listening to your excitement with each doctor visit when you got to listen to his little heart beat. I just can not believe it…YOUR BABY’s FIRST CHRISTMAS…for sure THE GREATEST most amazing memory ever. MERRY CHRISTMAS to the NEW FAMILY. :)

  5. LOVE this! Your Rocky is precious! <3 Merry Christmas!

  6. Shannon J says:

    Lacie, you made me cry again! I’m so happy for you, Michael and Rocky.
    Drew and I were out looking at Christmas lights the other day and “All I Want for Christmas Is You” came on the radio. It’s my favorite. And when she sings “You are the angel that tops my tree, you are my dream come true” I just started bawling. These precious gifts are exactly that.

    Merry Christmas Lacie…my dear friend.
    XXX, OOO

  7. Briana's Mom says:

    I am so happy for you Lacie. I remember my first Christmas with Briana – I just couldn’t believe it was real. That she was finally home with me after such a long wait. I was so happy. I am so happy you are getting to finally experience Christmas through your child’s eyes. Soak in every moment. And each year, Christmas gets even better. Promise. :)

  8. Hi, I have just discovered your blog and like yourself, Im an adoptive mum to a little girl who came home when she was 11 weeks old. After a 10 year struggle through IVF and miscarriage, I still cant believe we are parents at last!

    I live in Scotland UK and blogging is one of my passions, I would love to read your story fro the beginning?

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